A big part of the reason men and women don’t usually like getting into random conversations with one another is because of how easily tensions can be created when those conversations take place. A tension is a feeling of awkwardness or negativity. In other words, a tension is any feeling that makes social interaction less desirable and more difficult. And conversations between men and women who don’t know each other whatsoever are full of these tensions.
When you approach and talk to a woman in a nightclub, tensions are lying in wait. They are ready to jump into your interaction at the first sign of a pause in the talk, a joke that falls flat, or a poorly delivered comment. They can be created as a result of you or the woman, either way the result is the same: you both get that nervous feeling at the bottom of your throat, your minds forget about what you’ve been talking about or doing, and instead focus on how awkward the dynamic between the two of you has become. From this point onwards, it’s make or break. How well you recover from this hump in the conversation pretty much dictates two things: what the woman’s opinion of you is (good or bad), and what happens to your conversation (whether it fizzles out or relights).
One of the most common ways a tension is created in a conversation between a man and woman, in which the man is hoping to pull the woman, is actually after quite a positive moment occurs. He might tell a joke and the woman will laugh, then BANG…a silence. The tension has been created and something needs to be done quickly. Or the man might ask the woman a question and she’ll give a response that’ll last about 25 seconds. The man will say, “Oh, I see” then BAM, another tension. These tensions happen because it’s hard to follow up on a positive moment when both you and the woman are a little unsure of yourselves—after all, you don’t really know one another. Usually, these little moments wouldn’t bother you or her, because you’d both feel comfortable around whoever you were talking to (your friends probably). So what do you do to avoid these tensions and the social awkwardness they create? First, you need to act QUICKLY. You have to take action before the tension gets a chance to take hold. If either of you feels that zing of awkwardness and thinks “Oooh, this is hard work” then the battle is already half lost. So, you quickly do one of the following:
- SMILE. You can use the silence to your advantage. Instead of it being an empty moment, you can fill it with a smile. That sounds pretty corny, but think about it. You’ve just finished saying something or laughing or whatever and a silence occurs. Without a moment’s hesitation, you look into the girl’s eyes and slowly begin to smile. It’s like you’ve noticed something about her and liked it. She’ll smile back and the tension will be diverted. You then start the next thing you say while still smiling. You’ll see that her smile stays as well and there will be a certain happy look in her eyes. The exchange of smiles is a silent method of flirting with one another.
- GET EXCITED. To bypass a tension, which is a moment that contains no emotion, you should get excited about something. It doesn’t matter what it is, just make sure the way you talk about it is high energy. For example, a silence begins. Within 2 seconds, you snap your fingers and say “Oh!” You smile. You’ve remembered something you want to tell her about. It doesn’t matter if you only barely know her. You’ve just remembered a personality test you want to do on her. You’ve just remembered a TV show you want to tell her about (briefly). You’ve just remembered where you’ve seen her before. You’ve just thought that you want to compare the size of her hands with yours. It doesn’t matter what it is. Don’t say “I’ve just remembered,” just say “Oh!” then smile, then do or say whatever it is you’ve chosen to do or say. If you’re excited and enthusiastic, she’ll be carried along and will feel the same way. Enthusiasm is contagious…so spread it to her.
- DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. This is one of the best ways to avoid a tension from occurring. As soon as you feel the tension coming on, you totally flip the interaction on its head. You do something completely different. For example, you’ve been talking to the girl for 5 minutes and the conversation is starting to get a little hard. You’re having to do more and more work to keep it going. You need to spark it again. You hold out your hand, she takes it, you guide her over to your friends and introduce her. Or, you say “Let’s choose some music” and lead her over to the jukebox. Or, you move where you’re situated and thereby change the environment around you. Whatever it is you do, you make it different to what you’ve just been doing. This always re-sparks the conversation and kills tensions before they get a chance to take hold.