Black Belt Seduction Blog: How to pick-up, attract and seduce women

When you are in the getting-to-know-each-other stage, it can be difficult to find enough topics to keep the conversation flowing. This is because you don’t know enough about each other yet and often you are unsure about how far you can go on a certain topic without putting her off or offending her.

At this early stage, your goal is two fold: First, you want to get to know her better and find out if she really is your type. Second, you want to make a good impression on her. You want her to like you back and to find you attractive as well.

A rule of thumb when it comes to these types of conversations is to remember to talk to her about the things she likes - and not just the things that you like or topics that you are comfortable with. Don’t hog the conversation or talk about yourself and your interests. Apart from appearing conceited, you also miss out on the opportunity to gather information about her that will allow you to impress her even more.

That said, it doesn’t mean that you go the other extreme and never talk about yourself your interest at all. This is just as bad as appearing conceited, because you lose out on the chance to show her what a great, smart and funny guy you are!

The key is to strike a balance, to have both of you participating and sharing in the conversation. If she’s happy to talk about her interests and share her views, let her. But if she’s the type who’s a bit reserved, someone who likes to listen, then be sure to pack enough stories to engage her interest.

So if you’re looking for ideas, here are some topics on what to talk to girls about during your first few meetings. These topics are great to use as starting points to any conversation, because they’re neutral, and they’re easy to navigate to pursue other, more interesting topics.

1.      The weather. Don’t laugh! It may sound mundane, but really, the weather as a topic has a rich potential as a springboard to other topics. For example, while talking about the weather, you can move the conversation to how she chose her outfit to get to work that morning, or how it affected the mode of transportation she used, the amount of traffic on the street, the weather in places she’s travelled to, food cravings that are weather dependent, or activities that are great to do when the weather is a specific way. I could go on and on, and so can you.

2.      Work. The amount of time we spend at work means a large part of who we are is defined by what we do. Talking about work will allow you to see where her passions are. At the same time, talking about work will also allow her to see how talented you are. It adds to your value as boyfriend material to know that you’re a well regarded expert in a certain field. Keep in mind that we’re not talking about how much you’re earning. Even if you don’t earn much (not that I’d advise you to talk about how much each of you are making), as long as you show confidence, passion and expertise, it’s enough to make her think highly of you.

3.      A topic that you’re an expert at. And speaking of expertise, when faced with a lull in the conversation, it’ll be good for you to share a story about something that you’re truly an expert at. It doesn’t have to be work related – it could be about a hobby that you enjoy, an interesting piece of news you read that morning, an opinion about something somewhat controversial, a trivia that really amazed you, a new “it” gadget you’re lusting after – it could be about anything, really, as long as it’s something you know inside out. You don’t want to be caught with an “I’m not really sure…” when she asks you more about it.  

4.      Media – TV, music, movie, site, etc. Popular media is a great starting point to find out more about her other interests. A popular movie, what’s playing on her ipod, where her fave artists or bands are playing, or the blogs that she’s following – these are all topics that you can talk on and on about.

5.       Food. Food is a great topic because it can be controversial when you need it to be, and it can also be safe and fun. Everyone is always on a diet – even the no-diet diet is a diet. People love to talk and share interesting food finds. It could also be a pre-curser to a conversation on where you’ll go on your next dinner rendezvous.

The secret to making a conversation flow? Read and share! Read as often as you can on topics that you find interesting. And then practice sharing what you know with other people. That’s the best way to always have a roster of interesting topics to help you decide what to talk to girls about.

When you are hanging out with an attractive woman you know or perhaps you’ve just met, how do you select a topic to make sure you have a lively conversation with her? We already know what not to talk about (politics, religion, past relationships). But how do we decide what to talk about?

Here are some guidelines to help you choose and decide what topic to bring up, how to bring it up, and how to keep the conversation going.

1. Simple to answer.

When you introduce a topic, you should make it easy for her to respond to it. It shouldn’t have to require a lot of thought or a lot of expertise to be able to contribute to the conversation.

2. Interesting to think about.

The topic should be interesting to think about. True, you don’t want to require her to spend too much effort thinking and preparing an answer, but you do want something fun that people want to think about. Keep in mind that fun means different things to different people so make sure your brand of fun is compatible with hers so you don’t risk offending her.

3. Somewhat controversial.

There should be an element of controversy to your topic that will allow you to take contrary sides and have a fun, lively debate. It should be opinion-based, rather than fact-based. In fact, the more possible answers there are, the better.

4. Realistic.

Granted that it should be opinion-based, your new topic should carry some relevance to what you are currently doing or what you are currently discussing. You can’t just introduce a topic out of the blue. You want to integrate the new topic naturally into your conversation by using verbal bridges to make the transition.

5. Delivered as a short story.

Instead of asking a question straight away, it’s best if you could frame your question within the context of an interesting short story. It makes everyone more involved in the topic and more willing to contribute to it.

6. Insert what-if’s.

To keep the conversation going, introduce what-if’s and keep coming up with new scenarios. The new scenarios should challenge the position that the girl you’re talking to has taken. This is also a great way to flirt and tease with her.

7. Based on the level of rapport that you have established.

Generally, your choice of topic will depend on both of your backgrounds and your level of familiarity with each other. The more you know each other, the more topics you can explore and the livelier the conversation tends to be. When you’ve established a certain rapport with her, you will be able to comfortably share your opinions and experiences and this is the key ingredient of a lively conversation.

Nightclubs can be crazy places. They’re busy, they’re loud…all kinds of stuff is going on. The nightclub environment can present a guy looking to meet new women with some significant obstacles, not least being heard above the thumping music. But that problem isn’t too hard to bypass. Usually you can just shout and move in a little closer to the people you’re talking to—although you shouldn’t lean in too much. A tougher problem is how difficult it can be to catch the attention of a woman or group of people and keep it for more than 30 seconds. More than anywhere else, people in nightclubs have SHORT attention spans. There’s so much going on, so many people around, that if you aren’t the most interesting person in the vicinity, then you’re going to get quickly overlooked. This is often a lesson men only learn when they actually get out there into clubs and start making some approaches. They think their main problems will be what they say and how they should say it, but in reality, most of the time they’ll find that their main concern is winning the opportunity to say ANYTHING in ANY WAY. Groups in clubs are different. A group consisting of only women is much harder to catch and keep the attention of than a group containing men and women. And the more attractive and sought after the women in a group are, especially if there are only women in the group, the harder it is to work with them. So, does this mean that you can’t approach and talk to women in clubs? No. No it doesn’t. But it DOES mean that you need to focus on having high energy and good guidance skills when you’re making approaches in clubs. Here’s what that means.

High Energy

Nightclubs have energy rippling through the air—they’re full of it. And it’s not just any kind of energy, it’s HIGH energy, pure and simple. Everybody is buzzing, talking, laughing, joking. So, if YOU aren’t full of high energy too, you’re going to stand out, but not in a good way. You’ll be seen as an energy black hole. You suck energy out of other people. Girls don’t want to be around a guy with low energy because it takes a lot of work to keep conversation flowing when you have to interact with a low energy person. And just to clarify, by ‘energy’, I mean how lively, enthusiastic, animated, aware and spontaneous you are. You MUST possess high energy when you approach groups in clubs, or you’ll be ejected from them pretty much instantly. Go in with a loud voice so you are heard, smile and keep strong eye contact. Present your opener in a clear way with brevity in mind. Remember that their collective attention span is short. It’s like you’re screening a short TV commercial: give them the core message and package it nicely. Shoot it their way quickly and be ready for their responses.

Proper Guidance

Once you’ve got the high energy you need in place, you need to focus on having very strong guidance skills. In other words, you need to be good at pretty much telling people what to do. I don’t mean that in a bossy sense. What I mean is that you need to be able to not just suggest that someone does something, but actually help them to do it as much as possible. For example, you want to play a hand game with one of the women (like Thumb Wars). Improper guidance would be saying, “Shall we play a game?” Dong. That’s wrong. Proper guidance would be saying, “Put out your hand like this. Okay, we’re going to have a thumb war. Go!” Ding. That’s right. On paper that might sound rather an aggressive approach to encouraging people, but in a nightclub, it’s totally normal. In fact, it’s totally approved of. That’s what you need to do to get things done. If you want to dance with a woman, don’t say “Shall we dance?” say “Let’s see what kind of moves you’ve got…” and lead her by the hand to the dance floor. Again, on paper that might sound corny because it’s so straightforward, but in a club, it’s perfect. It’s the kind of dialogue you need to get used to using if you want your approaches and conversations with women in clubs to go perfectly.

There are a few different kinds of openers. A couple of the most common, and best, are the opinion opener and the situational opener. Both have their pros and cons. Some guys prefer opinion openers and some swear by their situational openers. Maybe you have your own preference, or maybe you don’t know much about them. Either way, today we’re going to talk about something called the Random Situational Opener. First, though, we need to look at a couple of examples of normal opinion openers and situational openers.

Opinion Opener #1: “Hey guys. Quick question. Me and my friends are having a discussion. What do you think…do guys lie more than girls or the other way round?”

Opinion Opener #2: “Hey. Quick question. My friend swears she’s right about this. Do you think it’s cheating if a girl with a boyfriend kisses another guy in a club? You do? What about if she kisses a girl? Yeah? What if it’s her best friend? No? How come?’

Notice how those opinion openers, along with all openers that aren’t situational ones, are completely random. The girl who’s being asked a question has nothing connecting her and the question or the guy who’s asking it. It’s come out of nowhere. From the guy’s point of view, it could therefore have been about anything. If it’s going to be random, anything is allowed. He could ask about girls kissing girls, penguins being better than dolphins, toast versus sandwiches…anything. The pros of opinion openers are:

- As just stated, they can be about anything, which allows for plenty of fun and uniqueness.

- They are easy to think of because there are no limits.

- They are unique.

The cons of random opinion openers are:

- Because they’re random, they can seem too out of the blue and unexpected. Girls might ask if you’re doing a survey or just why you’re quizzing them.

- Because they’re random, some people can feel like you’re playing with them a little. The question is so random that you could have asked anybody, which doesn’t make them feel very special. You could just be goofing around by asking them for all they know.

Here are a couple of situational openers, with the pros and cons described afterwards.

Situational opener #1: “Hi. Do you know if the DJ here changes every week or is it the same guy all the time?”

Situational opener #2: “Hey, do you like the décor of this place? My friends think it’s a little bit 70s, but I disagree.”

As you might expect, these situational openers (as with all situational openers) reference something about the surroundings the man and the woman are in at that time.

The pros of situational openers are:

- They relate to something real, which makes them feel more genuine

- They woman isn’t as likely to think that you’re goofing her around or being too random

- They’re usually very easy to reply to

The cons are:

- They can be boring, because sometimes the situation/surroundings don’t offer much in the way of interesting subject matter. And this is a pretty major con when you think about it. Your opener needs to be as engaging as possible.

Of course, the disadvantages of opinion openers and situational openers can be cancelled out if they are delivered expertly, but why take the risk? Why not combine the good aspects of both types of opener and thereby get rid of the cons of each? You can do that by creating a Random Situational Opener. A RSO has two components. They are: a comment about the situation or surroundings you’re in, and a random question that relates to that comment.

Random situational opener #1: “Hey. Can I ask you question? My friend has just been telling me about how she thinks this place looks really minimalist, but I disagree. And she says that the worst way you can decorate your home is to have really open spaces and neutral colors. Blacks and whites and stuff. But I disagree. What do you think?” Deliver this with brevity and speed in mind, but clearly. Otherwise, trim it down to: “This place is decorated in a really minimalist way. Do you like that kind of decoration?”

Random Situational Opener #2: “Hey. Me and my friend were just talking to the barman about who lies more, men or women, he swears it’s women, but I wanted to ask a woman before we jump to conclusions.”
As you can see, something about the environment or situation is referenced, then a general question is asked. It’s a much, much more powerful and effective way of opening than simply using an opinion opener OR a situational opener. Try it out and get creative.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of deception in the world of the ‘pick up artist’.  A lot of bullshitting and trickery is what I mean. Outright lies even. It’s a shame, a real shame. The trouble is, it’s very difficult for a guy who’s totally new to the game to instantly adopt all of the traits and characteristics a man needs to attract the highest percentage of women possible WITHOUT using pre-written material for a while. Openers, for example, are almost always canned material. It’s plug and play. “Who lies more, men or women?” That’s not too bad. It’s canned but it’s not a lie. “My friend found a box full of photos of her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend” is a lie. It’s not story-telling, it’s lying. And any man who disputes that fact is lying to himself, as well as the women he meets. But I don’t want this to sound like a rant, because it really isn’t. I’ll be amongst the first people to tell you that canned material is some of the best stuff you can use, because it’s canned for a reason: it’s good, it’s pre-approved and tested. So why the negative intro? Well, this post is all about something called the Admission Approach which is a way of having a conversation with a woman that at its heart is honest and open. Sure, it can start with a canned opener, but it ends up being completely frank and unashamedly about the guy liking the girl and wanting to talk to her. You’ll see what I mean in a minute. The reason this approach is so good isn’t just because it’s ethically sound (let’s not get into ethics though) it’s also because of the psychology of it. Here is the breakdown of what the Admission Approach is.

Step 1: The man approaches the woman (by the way, this approach is especially effective when used for approaching women who are alone).

Step 2: The man uses an opener of any kind.

Step 3: The man talks to the woman, hears her opinion, asks her a few things, tells her a short story, etc. They talk.

Step 4: The man flirts with the woman and/or teases her. He does it in such a way as to encourage her to flirt back with him.

Step 5: Once the man knows that the woman is definitely flirting with him back and that there is a spark between them, he transitions from the stage he’s currently in with her (talking about random stuff) into telling her that the main reason he approached her and asked her the question he did was because he saw her and thought she looked cool and wanted to talk to her. He of course says this in a very casual way.

The ‘Admission’ part of this approach is when the guy says why he started a conversation with the girl—because he thought she looked cool. That is the key part because it follows straight on from the guy and the girl flirting (which signals to the guy that the girl finds him attractive). So, you combine the girl finding him attractive with the girl finding out for sure that he finds HER attractive and what have you got? A recipe for dating success.

You might be wondering why a guy couldn’t walk up to a girl and say, “I thought I’d come and say hi because you look cool.” The answer is, he can if he wanted to, but it wouldn’t nearly be as likely to go well as the way the approach is structured in the Admission Approach. The Admission Approach works like a charm because the conversation starts on an easy conversational level (the guy asking the girl a question about something), then it moves onto them talking a little bit and the guy flirting with the girl, then the girl flirts back, THEN the hard part of moving into “I like you, you like me, let’s make something happen” territory is taken care of using the admission.

Try it out—it’s very effective and, once you get to the admission part, very honest!

Good openers can be hard to come by. That’s because when you use an opener you  read in a book or on the internet, you’re essentially using canned, pre-written material, which can make delivering the opener in a natural, spontaneous way difficult. You never want your opener to come across as some kind of covert pick-up line.  That’s not to say that you can have a massive amount of success with pre-written openers. You just need to always try your hardest to deliver them as well as possible, that’s all.

You could say that this opener, called ‘Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?’ is the best of both worlds. It’s pre-written, to an extent, but it’s also largely about creating your own opening words based on the situation you and the woman you’re approaching are in. Here’s how it goes.

Approach the woman and position yourself next to her. Don’t face her head on. Make sure you’re side to side. Don’t hang around or you’ll freak her out. Now say to her,  “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” The response you’ll get will almost certainly be one of the following:

- I don’t know, what are you thinking?

- What are you thinking?

- I don’t know.

In that order.

Now you have a choice. You can either go into a pre-written follow-up statement and question, or you can freestyle. That’s the beauty of this opener, it allows you to change what you say next based on how the woman has responded to the first question. If she sort of smiles and asks what you’re thinking in a friendly way, you can go out on a bit of a limb and say one of the following:

- I was thinking that these days not enough guys summon up the strength and will to walk up to a woman and start a conversation with her.

- I was thinking that random conversations with people you’ve never met before can either go quite well or really badly, but never great. What do you think? [Her: No, I think they can go great if the people get along. You: Cool. Okay…so….You both laugh.]

- I was thinking that although it would be a risk talking to a complete stranger, it could also be pretty fun and enjoyable, right?

If you don’t feel ballsy enough to go with one of the above, you can follow the question up with something more situational. For example, let’s say you’re both at a stand-up comedy event and the comedian who’s currently on stage is bombing and being booed. You might say:

- I was thinking that the comedian on right now almost certainly has the sweatiest back in this whole place…the way his set is going. What do you think of him?

- I was thinking that I’m glad I’m not that guy [pointing to the comedian] right now.

Get the idea? The first question (‘Are you thinking what I’m thinking?’) gives you access. It starts the conversation. But it’s not enough to spark it—you need something more. So, she responds by asking what you’re thinking, THEN you say something longer and more content-full. You make a little joke or you say something relevant to your surroundings.

One of the best things about this opener is that if the woman agrees with what you tell her you were/are thinking, then you’re immediately bonded in a way. Of course, you make sure it’s easy for her to agree with you by saying something that she couldn’t really disagree with, like pointing out the bad comedian. If you can, though, try to use the ‘I was thinking that although it would be a risk talking to a complete stranger, it could also be pretty fun and enjoyable, right?’ line. It’s great because if she says no, then she’s being rude. Very rude. She has to say yes, because what you’ve said is an optimistic, positive thing to say. And when she DOES say yes, she’s pretty much given the conversation clearance to go well. She’s agreed that talking to you can or will be fun. It’s a really good line if you can use it—so try your best to follow up the first question with it.